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An Honest-to-God resume of 23 part-time jobs in 23 years


Which will be more meaningful if you have read this essay.



Part-time job #23, 2016 to ????

Job and Wage: To be announced.
Whereabouts: To be announced.
Claim to fame: To be announced.
Worked with: To be announced.

Part-time job #22, 2013 to 2015

Job and Wage: Day Laborer. $7.25/hr.
Whereabouts: Richmond, Virginia and vicinity.
Claim to fame: Busted my balls (epididimitis) carrying duct work up four flights of stairs for eight hours straight; Changed the carpet in an emergency command center for nuclear power plant meltdowns; Gained a keen appreciation for Gatorade and dry feet.
Worked with: Stylish Black Felons (mainly).

Part-time job #21, 2010 to 2012

Job and Wage: Emergency Room janitor. $8.56/hr.
Whereabouts: Mobile, Alabama.
Claim to fame: Saw lots of interesting toe nails; Witnessed three cardiac crises while mopping the floor; Learned janitors are to be seen and not heard.
Worked with: Black people and white people.

Part-time job #20, 2009 to 2010

Job and Wage: Sandwich maker, dishwasher. $7.50/hr.
Whereabouts: Tidewater, Virginia.
Claim to fame: Tormented by the store's thirteen webcams; The owner would phone at random times and says things like "You're working too slow!" or "Why is that ham on the floor?"
Worked with: Koreans, Thais, Black people, and a high-strung white girl.

Part-time job #19, 2008 to 2009

Job and Wage: Baker, dishwasher. $8/hr.
Whereabouts: Raleigh, North Carolina.
Claim to fame: Talked too much; Angered the manager by always trying to learn Italian from the Sicilian-New Yorker register guy; Once baked 1,500 bagels in five hours, solo.
Worked with: Middle class white people and an Italian.

Part-time job #18, 2006 to 2008

Job and Wage: Warehouser, Magazine distributor. $9/hr.
Whereabouts: Massachusetts.
Claim to fame: Eyewitness to the top-secret distribution of the final installment of the Harry Potter books; Felt ill when confronted with pornographic magazines involving the elderly; Saw a guy loose his finger in a conveyor wheel.
Worked with: Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Ghanans, Mexicans, Poles and Albanians.

Part-time job #17, 2004 to 2006

Job and Wage: Pizza Cook. $10.50/hr.
Whereabouts: Massachusetts.
Claim to fame: Worked sixty weekends in a row and had a nervous breakdown; Rode bicycle to work in a blizzard; Only cook working when the Red Sox broke "the curse"; Learned Brazilian Portuguese.
Worked with: Brazilians and Puerto Ricans.

Part-time job #16, 2003 to 2004

Job and Wage: Fast food, dishwasher. $6.25/hr.
Whereabouts: Honolulu, HI.
Claim to fame: Made up offensive lyrics to Hawaiian radio music; Refused to sign disciplinary forms for skipping morale meetings; Black pants were way too short.
Worked with: Pacific Islanders, Japanese, Hawaiians, Filipinos, Tahitians and an ethnic Russian from Tajikistan.

Part-time job #15, 2002

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (non-profit orgs). $8/hr.
Whereabouts: Los Angeles.
Claim to fame: Sat next to a guy who was in a national Microsoft commercial during NFL playoffs. It was the first gig he ever had that paid a lot. He started coming to work all boozed up and then quit. When he got tired of talking on the phone he would make religious cracks at the people, or go to the bathroom saying, "Colostomy bag. Colostomy bag."
Worked with: Out of work actors, comedians, musicians, and one jazz singer who had the smoothest voice you've ever heard. We're talkin' Luther Vandross smooth.

Part-time job #14, 2002

Job and Wage: Fast food, dishwasher. $6.75/hr.
Whereabouts: Los Angeles.
Claim to fame: Got fired after two weeks for being "slow and unhelpful."
Worked with: Indians, Pakistanis, Guatemalans, Mexicans and Filipinos.

Part-time job #13, 2000 to 2002

Job and Wage: Fast food, dishwasher. $7.50/hr.
Whereabouts: Vermont.
Claim to fame: Known for being "fast and helpful"; Name tag read: "John Galt;" Graded down in an evaluation for lack of initiative.
Worked with: White teenagers and a Chinese lady.

Part-time job #12, 2000

Job and Wage: Newspaper inserter (Boston Globe). $6.50/hr.
Whereabouts: Vermont.
Claim to fame: Quietly mocked for stacking newspaper bundles into geometric designs.
Worked with: White people, nothing but white people.

Part-time job #11, 2000

Job and Wage: Newspaper inserter (local paper). $6.25/hr.
Whereabouts: Vermont.
Claim to fame: Had to work late one night because of the first civil union in the country.
Worked with: More white people.

Part-time job #10, 1998 to 2000

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (police organization). $7/hr.+
Whereabouts: San Diego, CA.
Claim to fame: Made lots of money working for guys who later got busted by the feds for being big-time frauds: Did not have to testify; Always walked on the beach on break; Called pay telephones on the street below the office window while pretending to sell, sell, sell.
Worked with: Party people and gangsters of various ethnicities.

Part-time job #9, 1998

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (vacuum cleaners). $5.50/hr.+
Whereabouts: San Diego, CA.
Claim to fame: Won a clock radio (second place) in a fixed contest; Complained about never getting paid commission; Never got paid commission.
Worked with: Mexican-Americans, Filipinos, and a Algerian woman with curly hair.

Part-time job #8, 1997 to 1998

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (portrait packages). 5.50/hr.+
Whereabouts: San Diego, CA.
Claim to fame: Only guy in the room ecstatic to be downsized when Olan Mills sold out to K-Mart. "We're all fired? Yippeee!"
Worked with: Black People and Mexican-Americans.

Part-time job #7, 1997

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (aluminum siding). $6/hr.+
Whereabouts: Albuquerque, NM.
Claim to fame: No claim to fame. Just a two-week job to get to the end of the month after previous place of employment suddenly went out of business.
Worked with: White people.

Part-time job #6, 1997

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (carpet cleaning). $6/hr.+
Whereabouts: Albuquerque, NM.
Claim to fame: Made boss nervous by asking too many simple questions; Correctly predicted business would founder; Invented monologues for the crazy guy who paced back and forth behind the building.
Worked with: White people, a Zuni indian, and an old lady who once ran a bakery in Paris.

Part-time job #5, 1996

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (window cleaning). $6.25/hr.+
Whereabouts: Tucson, AZ.
Claim to fame: Came back after leaving, and then left again.
Worked with: White people.

Part-time job #4, 1996

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (long distance). $7.00/hr.
Whereabouts: San Diego, CA
Claim to fame: Had to quit because of the forty-five minute CD they played over and over again; Once reached Keanu Reeves voice mail. He finished his message by saying: "Oh, yeah. Please leave your number. I lost my phone book."
Worked with: White people and black people.

Part-time job #3, 1996

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (timeshares). $8.50/hr.+
Whereabouts: San Diego, CA.
Claim to fame: Gave away the promotional car; Turned down for a date by a girl who had a role in "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes;" Watched boats in San Diego Bay from the high rise windows.
Worked with: Blacks, whites, Mexican-Americans, an Albanian and various other exotic mixtures.

Part-time job #2, 1994 to 1996

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (window cleaning). $6.25 hr.+
Whereabouts: Tucson, AZ.
Claim to fame: Fell for a co-worker whose family business was cocaine distribution; Often listened to her "sales calls" which were actually "drug deals;" Rode bicycle to work in a 114 degrees.
Worked with: White people.

Part-time job #1, 1994

Job and Wage: Telemarketer (newspaper subscriptions). $5.50+
Whereabouts: El Paso, TX.
Claim to fame: Disturbed manager by loudly blurting the word "union" upon discovering exploitative business practices; Had bicycle stolen from the parking lot.
Worked with: Mexican-Americans.

1994--Dropped out of mainstream society.

1993--Taught grade school English in San Antonio, Texas.

1992--M.A. Latin American Studies.

1990--B.A. Spanish.










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John Dishwasher
A Resume

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